Life presents challenging situations all the time, and 2020 is upping the tough decision game. We’re now in August, a season that should be filled with “happy back-to-school!” but instead is ridden with “ugh, what did you guys decide to do about school this year?” It’s not so happy.

Most choices come with pros and cons; we rarely get a perfect option. Each of us brings a unique set of values, circumstances, and experiences to the decision-making process, so naturally, we make decisions differently than even the people who are closest to us.

As mask policies, school protocol, and general opinions of the coronavirus’s impact and hazard threaten to divide us, I have to remind myself that I don’t know all the factors that affect others’ choices. Evolving scientific knowledge, competing priorities, and value complexity make the process a struggle for us all.

How do we write to our people, supporting them in this process, even when they choose differently than we do?

• Imagine yourself sitting beside, not across from, them. Try to understand their perspective, while accepting that you may not. Reflecting on perspective differences can be less stressful in a one-way conversation (ie, writing a letter) than they are in a real-time back-and-forth. Extend a generous interpretation of their viewpoint without worrying about how you’ll respond to their comments.

• Resist the temptation to over-simplify the situation. Something that seems clear or basic to you might not be so cut-and-dried to someone else. Congratulate them on working through those complexities.

• Know that emotion colors every choice each of us makes; we’ve all made decisions based on emotion over reason. In these times, fear is present in nearly every choice we make. Validate how emotional these decisions are - without freaking them out. “I know how important this is to you” reads better than “oh my gosh, how in the world are you dealing with all of this??” 

• Recognize disparities in resources. Be honest with yourself about envy or pity you feel, and don't let those emotions weave into your message.

• As mentioned above, be generous in interpreting words and actions that are unclear. You can ask clarifying questions in your letter, when you feel it’s appropriate. This gives them the opportunity to respond thoughtfully, instead of potentially feeling put on the spot and getting defensive.

• Keep confidential information confidential. You know we love postcards, but these situations may sometimes call for a note in an envelope, that won’t feel like the mail carrier and other household members could lay eyes on.

• Praise the process. Applaud the thoughtfulness and diligence that goes into making a really tough call.

• Share your struggle. Validating each others' struggles builds trust and connection.

• Set boundaries where you need them, and make them clear. You can, for example, support a friend’s decision to send his kids to a day camp while also stating that your families can’t hang out until two weeks after camp ends.

• As you move forward with your epistolary and real-life relationship, don’t freeze your opinion of someone else because of the choices they make today. We’re all evolving, all the time.

If you feel that a loved one’s choices are harmful for them or for you, it merits a larger conversation, perhaps not through snail mail. And if that’s the case, you can start with these principles. You likely have more in common than you think, starting with a sincere desire to make the best possible choices.

Friends, we are all hurting, to different degrees and for different reasons. Please be kind. Pop a postcard out to a friend who needs some reassurance. Pick up the phone if she needs a lot of reassurance. Postcards don’t solve everything, but they can be a great start.

Want to help the students in your life stay connected during this very, very weird school year?